Reach the shore...

Each time the sun comes out all happy and gay

You hope that that was the last night coming your way

You pray and wish with all your heart

That somehow you've been blessed with the art

Of solving life, the puzzle as it be

With the things to do and more to see

And yet, cometh the night like clockwork tick

With darkness so deep that your each nerve does prick

You slip into bowels of despair and doubt

And are too scared to even give hope a shout

You know it won't matter much tomorrow

But today, it brings on nought but sorrow

You berate yourself over and over again

To have landed yourself in this pool of pain

Life's taught you well and taught you good

That each step is our choice, as it always should

So why do you flounder and give night the way

To come into your life and cloud the bright day

You know better, you are smarter than this

You did after all figure your way to bliss

So why must you fall into life's silly traps

So that it, in gloom, does you wrap?

You don't deserve this, you are worth more

So hold the boat tight and wait to reach the shore

Where the sun will peep right back up the horizon

And life'll be the joy it almost always has been...

Team's lined up, the whistle's blown,

Rules all pored over, plan's all drawn out,

Each step marked and each move detailed

And then feet of lead raise that first doubt

Stuck, you numb to the world raging around

Miss the team's yells and the timer's shrieks,

Lost in turmoil to find that elusive beast

Called purpose, that'd delineate the future, now bleak

It's been said often, it's been said well,

And each time the lament loses its sheen

In the face of maturity and some calm,

One but laughs at how silly one's been

But yet it's said often and will be said more so

For every now and then, life throws a moment

When all will yearns to go astray

And every decision craves to be bent

So in creeps, doubt, a friendly beast

Gets you talking for hours, at least,

And takes you through all that could have been

Making sure with care, each frame, you've seen

Then bids adieu leaving a raging war

In the bowels of the mind, not even far

So the night passes in restless wait

For the dawn, which for sure, does bait

But here, at last, creeps the sun's rays

And that's the last of the war, you pray

The sounds go silent, you hear no bombs

But it's just a calm before the storm, dear one

For it's a game He loves to play often

And He's sure to tease you again, for fun...

So best just sleep on it, and wait for day

Wish I learned to listen, at least once, to what I say!!

Taming beasts...

You know that indescribable feeling in the pit of your stomach that keeps you awake for days together?? That itch that you can't name but grow to hate with all your heart?? That annoying little voice that only speaks in gibberish in the back of your head?? Argh! I hate that time... It makes me antsy and restless and makes me oscillate between wanting to have a go at the next guy to walk past and .... well, yeah, just go hit something... Argh!!

I never know what it's about...I never know what triggers it...And I sure as hell don't know how to get rid of it... My best antidote used to be talking to this one friend till the heat subsides and I can go back to normalcy...Turns out, either the beast is newly resistant to my favored antidote or he and I have turned a corner in life... Sigh...So here I am, restless, edgy and almost frantic with not a clue as to how or why I ended up here... In fact, having my antidote busted just annoys me more... Dammit!

Yeah, sorry for the mood of this post...I don't like to go personal in my posts but it is a desperate attempt to vent... Living 8000 miles away from home limits your options for some good venting... God! I miss home... Well, not always, in fact not much but tonight, I miss home like the blind miss the sun.... I yearn to be back in the comforts of my streets and lanes that made up the kingdom I ruled for over a decade... Back in my foster home playing monopoly with a vengeance... Back on my terrace having crazy philosophical talks with aforementioned antidote... Or in my soul-sister's house watching horrible movies and cooking some popcorn... Or at "college" (meaning my friend's apartment... ) playing raucous rounds of cards and guzzling the beer...Ahhh...life...so perfect in memory...

The good luck with the perfect life extends onto this new continent I now inhabit... I've had a whale of a time meeting whacked creatures and creating new memories... From missed foam parties to victorious poker nights to crashed birthday parties and "sexxxy" birthday parties, I've had a ball from the word go... Add to it some glorious beaches nearby and being a stone's through away from George Clooney and Staples Center.... ahhh! Yes, life's perfect in reality as well... There's renewed purpose, although a lack of will, and a perfect setting to achieve childhood dreams... There's hope staring me in the face from all corners... And yet...

And yet, it is this infuriating poke in the pit of my stomach that clouds my mind... I don't know what it is... Hell, I don't even know why it is... It probably is my greedy heart wanting more from my near-perfect life... Wishing that memory and reality would fuse into a rosy future... Wishing for Monopoly parties at Palisades with old friends and new... Ahhh... that beast, "Greed".... Gets us all in the end... Sneaky monster... Creeps up on you even when your guard is on alert... Sighh...And the mind flows with the pretty pictures he paints... After all, ain't no crime to dream THE DREAM, is it??If only I knew how to tame the beast and let me sleep... so that I could actually just "dream".... siiggghhhh....

Note to Ranga...

I write to you now under great duress

From this 'dark' evil guy I never wanted to impress

For crazy 'little' friends in my new mad life

Seem intent to add him to my pain and strife

So they slip him secrets and get him to prod

Till he sits plum, expecting poems, the bloody sod

And gosh! I am stupid to bend to his whim

Especially since right now, I don't even like him!

No netbooks do lure, no racquet ball meets

Oh why am I writing this if with but sarcasm he will it greet?

A fool, a fool, a fool am I

And in the words of my beloved roomie, now please 'Go die!'

First report

My first one coming from shores afar

So much has changed and yet I'm under the same stars

New faces, new places greet my eye

And I completely lose track of time flying by

There's just so much to do and so much to see

Two years seem too less to at this great place be

The buildings stand so beautiful and tall

And cars whizz by me as I yearn to drive them all

The trip to the beach made me go ooh and aah

And it delights me to know Staples Center aint far!

I got sport, I got food and one hell of a life

I know it's just the start but I can't wait to dive!!

Woo hooo!!!

Wise night!

The day shines bright and gay ahead

Beckoning to me with open arms

Yet I look behind at night

As she sheds a tear to see me gone

I know I should have a bounce in my step

As I walk on forth to lands of joy

But a somber longing gnaws within

For night, my friend of years gone by

When with her I longed for sun

I cried and thrashed within her arms

Hurting me some and hurting her more

With not a care to her wounds balm

But today as I am finally rid of her

I see the wisdom in her ways

For she but prepared me to welcome the light

With joy, yet caution, so that it may stay!

Happily ever after...

A fire is lit deep within my mind

I struggle hard to exactly find

The words that might ease that mental load

So that my mind becomes, again, a peaceful abode

I've been here before, I know I have

This crossroads like place in my head

Where a million thoughts flit in and out

Each trying to inch their way ahead

And push me to do but their will

And follow their lead right until

I reach that end they seem to dream

Is where I belong, that elusive realm

But just when one begins to catch my eye

The other nudges in with an even better lie

And colors me wild with reds and blues

Even the whole rainbow and all its hues

Engrossed I am in this mental bout

Lost to the world flowing without

At peace with all and in turmoil yet

Greedy for joy and dreading regret

Hopeful for life and yet cautious so

Staring at the skies and yet down below

Walking the fence of faith and abandon

Wondering which side is better to land in

As the blacks in my head fight the white so fierce

Sharp images do my soul pierce

Each a dream of the future and yet so real

That from every prick my heart must heal

But that happy place in my mind fights hard

And finally sits firm, an effort I laud

For now I know I am still with hope

And with every dying thought I still grope

To hold the embers of all that might be

A rosy tomorrow, 'My happily ever after'... finally...

Wasn't sure before...

A million doubts did cloud my mind

Just when there were knocks on my door

I rushed, then paused to greet them all

Wondering if me, they really were for

For months and months have made me lose

That certainty with which I found my way

And now flummoxed, as I stand

I don't trust myself to know night or day

And yet I see with complete trust

That what stands before me is a chance I must

Grab and revel in to make my sunny hay

While it lasts, so that I can later play

Yet there are those risks involved

Where I might put the lives of others on line

And a gamble that big, I shudder to take

For what ends up may just define

The person I am, and would be some day

With but a memory of that one mistake

When I played our lives in search for gold

To end up grasping but the fake

Yet the girl I was, knew I was smart

Enough so to march forth with an arrogant heart

And scoff at what threatens to impede my march

Confident in my power to them thwart

But that girl lays lost to me today

But I hope of finding her within me some day

And hope that day comes really soon

So I can open my eyes and recognize this boon

That is the knocks on my door

Yes I know, but wasn't sure before...

Walking forward

I had been running too fast, too wild

Eager in my need to reach the end

But now that the race flag tickles my nose

I wonder which way does the road ahead bend?

For the end I pictured is hardly the close

And there are miles and miles stretched before me

Of winding roads, some straight some steep,

Waiting for me to choose to a part of them be

But which way do I go? I grope for the answer

As time slips beneath my feet , smooth and deft

Waiting for none, as the old adage goes

And my pulse quickens at the thought of what time's left

I need to decide and pick one path

To set a new goal and reach a new end

But now that I have wisened up to my limits

I know that end will also have a new beginning round the bend

So whew! The pressure's dropped a little

But I still need to cross the line and begin a new race

Without losing time, so precious as it be

Choosing a path I believe I can best face!

And with a sigh, I give up the comforts of the past I know

And gear up to face the unknowns in my future

With courage I didn't know existed within

And a belief that I can always start afresh, for sure!

'Some people remember to forget'.

A long long time ago, close to my sixth or seventh grade, I used to attend these classes known as Balvihar classes (I tried to come up with a way to describe what exactly happened in these classes but as you can see, failed miserably.So for those who are unfamiliar with the term, pardon my ineptitude.) Our teacher, one Mrs. Mani better known as Hari Om aunty to all us kids, began this one Sunday by narrating this story of 3 monkeys with pictures. At the end of the story she tells us that she wants us to forget it. It was our 'homework' for the day and we were to report to her whether we forgot the story or not.

Next Sunday, when all us bumbling cool kiddos met up for the class, her first question was, 'How many of you remembered the picture of the 3 monkeys?' Now, although the notion to be the coolest kid still prevailed amongst all of us, Balvihar classes were always attended with a sense of sanctity assigned to the place. Which is why, every last one of us with sheepish expressions put our hands up in the air. Those hands just bore testimony to her lesson for the week- 'you can never forget when you remember to forget'.I ran back home at full speed because I was proud to finally have understood the meaning of the proverb that stood tall on my showcase. 

And so, it has been years and years since I learnt that fundamental principle of life and yet, I find it so hard to adhere to it. In my two decades on this planet, I have had my palate full of the various shades life has to offer-joy, sorrow, fear, love et al. And just like any other sane human being, I wish with all my heart to be able to forget all the darker events in life. But I wish it so desperately that I remember every night to forget it! So you can deduce how successful I must have been in that task...

Why is man so naturally inclined to the blacks and greys? How is it that joyous moments - both big and small- seem such an ephemeral eventuality? Whereas sorrow is every man's life long friend? It's especially ironical since I pride myself at being a bright and shiny optimist but fall prey to these pain pangs ever so often. Why can't we program ourselves to naturally reject the bad memories and retain only the good? A happy memory brings us all so much cheer that our cache should be permanently made to keep only those morale boosters. Would be soooooo good to forget that recurring nightmare of mine that took place some year and half ago... Shudder....

Fact that I shiver at the thought of it reflects how dutifully I must have told myself to remember to forget that night, eh?? Oh! For that era when I will but remember my kick-ass trip to Goaaaaaa.....

Sigh! Yet another wish on my ever-growing wishlist... 

Give me Strength

Close to the finish but not quite there

Close to being 'grown up' but not quite there

Close to winning it all but not quite there

Gosh! So close... but not quite there

There is a grand prize but not quite here

There is maturity but not quite here

There is victory but not quite here

Ah! Why oh why is it not quite here?

Give me strength to reach that finish

Give me strength to grow emotionally

Give me strength to make my best effort to win them all

Give me strength, Lord, give me strength.

Let's wake up

I walk past the crowds unaware
Sprint through the jungles blind
With increasing haste to reach the light
Giving no pause to thoughts in my mind

I hear not the sounds of the way
Nor pay heed to the blocks in the path
Don't stop to look at the frames I shoot
Nor take a breath to calm my wrath

So intent was I on reaching my fate
That I forgot to catch sight of my life
Forgot to breathe with gratitude
This blessing given to me to reach my fate

I wonder how many other walk on blind
With but a care for life passing them by
Losing all purpose of the beating heart
Till they are too late to even sigh!

And so, let's all wake up and drink in
The birds, the bees and other presents
HE's blessed us with to enjoy and love
And embrace joy and happiness by the dozens!